As promised–and since I’ve got nothing better to do–I bring you the top three candidates for tappin’ that ass. I should let everyone know that these are my top five most acceptable candidates, not necessarily the most probable. John McCain is nowhere on the list, for instance.

I took some liberties with who I chose, as well, in that they may not all be candidates for public office. They are all politicians, however, and who better to fantasize about plowing the future Mrs. Vice-President?

Without further ado…

#3 Slick Willy

I'm so fucking debonair. Damn.


I might take some crap for this choice, but I stand firm: Bill Clinton and Sarah Palin would make one raunchy porno. Her all being bitchy and skittish, trying to knife the cameraman for wearing a ponytail; him all smooth talk and “Aw shucks, baby, it ain’t nothin but a thang” while he rolls a fatty on her antique chaise lounge.

There’s just something so romantic and debonair about Slick Willy that whenever sex and politics comes up, so does his name.


#2 Mitt Romney

And when she took that thing off-BABLAM!

And when she took that thing off-BABLAM!

I bet that some of you are thinking “Oh Lord, she’s surely going to hell for this one”, but you’d be wrong. You’d also probably be toothless, from the American Southeast,  and the deacon of a church whose congregation know each other from famly reunions. Mitt Romney is almost the perfect choice for this job, and it isn’t entirely due to his being Mormon. It’s actually because he’s a man who-okay it’s because he’s Mormon. But he’s a handsome Mormon, right?



#1 Rudy Giuliani

You guys know why I dig chicks with pigtails?
You guys know why I dig chicks with pigtails?

What? Don’t look at me like that. Rudy’s awesome and nothing you say will ever change that. Not only do I think he’s the number one choice to nail Mrs. Veep, but I think he should do it while being President Giuliani.

He’s as tough as Palin, except with that city grit that country chicks love. Being from NYC should prepare his heart for the things Palin is statistically obligated to say in bed, and I’ll bet he don’t take no shit off no broad, neither. Rudy & Palin, all the way.
Oh Gods yes...

Oh Gods yes...

Let’s face it: Sarah Palin is a flippin’ hottie. Gorgeous well-kept face, supple lips, thin tummy, and a high tight butt–the total package, and smart to boot. She’s also an ice-bitch mutant conservative, true, but I’m probably not alone when I say I wouldn’t mind losing my watch somewhere in those button-down Republican depths. Yowza.

There’s a dark corner of the internet solely devoted to making obscene couples of characters from popular fiction. It’s called slash-fic, and it’s wondrous. Some of the blandest television characters are transformed through the magic of the human imagination into sweating, striving, straining fuck-beasts–legendary heroes of epic Greco-Roman man-loving–and every so often the results are not even that terrible.



What if, God help us, someone were to write a slash-fic with Sarah Palin as the star? Who would she encounter on her sprawling, probably perpetually nude adventures? Who, besides yourselves, would you want to read about nailing the future Mrs. Vice-President? Would you prefer some made-up Prince Charming stereotype, some shining knight/muscular ranchhand endowed with gifts most women only dream about? Or would you rather it be someone a little more realistic?

If you guys are anything like me, you want to read about Mrs. Palin climbing on top of the turgid member of one of our country’s many high-profile politicians. Maybe even more than one of them, along with a cute little Asian aide de camp from the McCain/Palin party.

I guess what I’m admitting to you is that I want to read about (or see!) Sarah Palin getting her diamond-squeezing ass pounded to a quivering pulp by the biggest dicks in Congress. Gods, I swear would just melt.

Now that we’ve figured out what we want Mrs. Palin to do, we must hash out who she must be doing. This is where things get tricky. Do we want a dashing public figure? An old, decrepit Supreme Court Justice who has to keep his dick pump in the same bag as his nitroglycerin pills? A drunken, cocaine-fueled parade of Senators too cheap to bring their own lube?

Tune in for my run-down of the only candidates that really matter: the ones best suited to deep-dicking Sarah Palin.

See you next time!